NURSING
MOTHERS, INC.
The Father's Role in the
Breastfeeding Family
Factsheet 25
Your role as father in a breastfeeding family is very important. Many studies indicate the care and attention children receive early in life influence a child's ability to establish trust, high self-esteem, and a sense of security in their relationships. You may think these bonds develop only though your ability to feed your new baby. Nothing could be farther from the truth! Cultivating the bonds of love and attachment begins with birth and continues through the life of the child. This process includes play, holding, emotional comfort, sharing interests and activities, and helping a child understand that what you have to offer is special and irreplaceable.
Many fathers feel left out when their babies first come home. As the mother and newborn begin breastfeeding, the father may feel unnecessary. If you have these feelings, it can help to put them into perspective. Emotions such as jealousy and rejection indicate you have a desire to be a participant. Rather than undermining the critical breastfeeding relationship only a mother can provide, look for ways you can be actively involved in supporting your child's well-being. Finding your own important role in your child's life will put you squarely on the path to finding satisfaction in fatherhood.
There are many practical, financial, and health related reasons why you should encourage the mother to breastfeed:
· Breastmilk provides your baby the best possible start in life -- no other food can provide equal nutritional value; no other food is more completely digestible.
· Breastfeeding frees you from the need to sterilize bottles and prepare formula feedings -- a particular advantage in the middle of the night.
· Traveling with the family is easier -- nothing to prepare ahead or tote around.
· Breastmilk is free! In the first six months alone, you will save formula costs of about $500- $600. Over the first year, you will have saved enough to purchase a major appliance (or two!).
· Research consistently shows that breastfed babies are healthier than formula-fed babies. They experience fewer ear infections, intestinal disorders, and are better protected from developing allergies, juvenile diabetes, and Crohn's disease. The protection breastmilk offers your baby will continue throughout breastfeeding, and in some cases will last a lifetime. The result is a healthy child and fewer medical bills.
· Your baby will have a pleasant smell. Spit-up formula has a strong odor. Also, the stools of a breastfed baby have a mild smell.
· Breastfeeding encourages the growth of straight teeth, develops the muscles that will later aid chewing and speech. Studies also show that breastfeeding contributes to higher intelligence.
The choice to breastfeed varies from family to family. In some families, both the father and mother concur. In others, the mother decides that she wants to breastfeed. Her choice may be influenced in part by natural, maternal emotions and hormones. Your support of her decision can help both of you derive much fulfillment, and can minimize the inevitable frictions that accompany the arrival of a new baby.
If you decide breastfeeding is the way to go, but the mother is less enthusiastic about the choice, your support and attention may very well make all the difference in how your baby begins life.
It is important to understand that the arrival of a new baby changes the way families relate to each other. These changes are independent of how the baby is fed. Both the father and mother tend to focus their energies more on the baby and less on each other in the early months. Over time, as each person's new identity and role stabilizes, things get better. Any feelings of jealousy or neglect you may have will lessen as you find the needs of your newborn are demanding, but temporary.
Defining your role
Each father will find his own way to support the choice to breastfeed and make himself an integral, necessary part of the breastfeeding family. You may find some of these suggestions helpful to get you started:
· The mother needs your love and reassurance. As her body adjusts to the hormonal changes of delivery and lactation, she will need your enthusiasm and praise for doing a good job. Very often, it is your love, support and sensitivity that makes all the difference in how the mother weathers the early weeks of parenting. You should never underestimate your ability to instill confidence and offer emotional support.
· You can demonstrate your support and help make life easier through caring for the mother during the early weeks. Encourage her to eat well. Give her opportunities to rest. Offer to bring her a drink (juice, milk, water) whenever she nurses. Make up small, protein- and firebrick "snack packs" for her to eat throughout the day. Cook you "specialty" dinner, or order out food from a restaurant.
· Attend a breastfeeding class with the mother. Nursing Mothers offers breastfeeding classes each month to help parents prepare for breastfeeding. Contact Nursing Mothers at 302-733-0973 to locate the class nearest you. When the baby comes home, you can help get the mother into a comfortable nursing position. Your watchful eye may identify an adjustment the mother could make to improve positioning the baby, or how the baby is latching on. Nursing mothers always feel as if they need another arm in the first weeks.
· Become the gate-keeper, or receptionist, for the time being. After babies arrive, most families get a barrage of calls and inquiries from well-wishers dying to know everything. You can field these calls for the mother, provide your own press releases, and gloat to your heart's content. And when the well-wishers ask if they can help in any way, don't say no. Eventually people stop offering help, and now is when you can use it. You'll be making them feel better if you sign them up for a shopping trip, ask them to prepare a casserole you can freeze, or do some house cleaning.
· You may take on a bigger share of the housework. It never hurts to develop the ability to overlook the mess and clutter. It's only temporary. The mother will need to focus on providing food for the baby and on her own need to recover from pregnancy and delivery. Her health and your baby's health depend on the mother's ability to take care of herself. New families soon learn the wisdom of tolerance and flexibility when it comes to clean dishes and dust bunnies under the sofa. Sort out your own priorities and help the mother establish new priorities in the first few months that allow her to direct her energies to breastfeeding.
· Babies need much more than food. They need cuddling, rocking, walks, and chatter. Many men find they have a particular gift at soothing a fussy baby through their deeper voices or the special way they hold and touch their babies. Babies need diapers changed, and baths. Some babies have very strong non-nutritive sucking needs. Rather than sticking a pacifier in your baby's mouth, offer him one of your well-cleaned fingers. This is a wonderful way to prevent nipple preference (a condition where the baby rejects the breast in favor of rubber nipples). Some babies really enjoy massages (find a book that instructs you on infant massage). It may help to pick something you would like to do consistently for your baby, and make this a special event the two of you exclusively share. Fathers are wonderful bath givers. Bathing allows you to communicate your love through water and touch. And bath time develops over the years to be a delightful time for play and conversation. Or you may decide you want to be the one to put your child to bed, to rock, cuddle and "read" a bedtime story. You get to establish the ritual. A newborn may not be able to understand Goodnight, Moon, but she will respond to your voice and your warmth. In the years to come, you can look forward to bedtime talks and chapter books!
However much you may support breastfeeding, you may still desperately want to feed your baby. This is certainly possible, but requires a little patience and planning on your part. Most nursing advisors do not recommend giving supplemental bottles to a baby for the first 4 to 6 weeks. This allows the mother and baby to solidify the nursing relationship and helps the mother's milk supply adjust to the baby's needs. It also helps prevent nipple preference problems that can undermine Then again, you and the mother may decide there is a particular time during the day when she would rather not nurse. This could be a feeding around the dinner hour, when things tend to be a little more stressful. Or it could be a night feeding. If you choose to take over a feeding, be consistent. That will be your feeding. Just as the mother must be available to breastfeed, so should you be there when it's your turn. Make it a non-negotiable time for you. In addition to the pleasure of feeding your baby, you will also be helping the mother conserve her energies. You may choose to offer breastmilk in a bottle. In this case, the mother will need to pump or manually express enough milk for the feedings. If you choose to use formula, consult the baby's doctor for formula recommendations. Also consider: you do not need to use a bottle to feed your baby. There are many alternative feeding methods available. Some babies will tolerate the mix of bottles and breast quite well, while for others, one rubber bottle nipple may lead to nipple preference. It is much easier to prevent nipple preference than to treat it. You can choose to finger-feed your baby (using a supplemental nursing system). Or you can feed with a cup (even newborns can cup-feed, with a little practice). Or you can use an eyedropper, a spoon, or an oral syringe. Discuss these options with your baby's doctor. She is aware of your baby's medical history and is in a position to recommend the best alternative feeding method for your infant.
Don't think for one minute that breastfeeding leaves you out on the doorstep! What a father can provide his child is as important as what a mother can provide. If we were all able to provide exactly the same things at the same times and in the same ways, there would be nothing to distinguish each of us and make each of us special. You can be a partner in pregnancy and labor. You can just as easily be a partner in caring for your children. Your ability to support the mother in breastfeeding is in itself a wonderful message of love and concern you give your baby.
Original: 6/89 Donna Lewis
Revised: 2/95 Lisa Davis; 1/03 Megan Allen
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